If any of you read my profile you'd see that I said I've been married 11 years. My husband and I have known each other since high school. In fact, we were good friends and ran in the same circles. I guess he had a huge crush on me back then but I knew nothing about it. So anyway, fast forward to after high school... I hadn't seen my now husband in years and ran into him in a pool hall. We of course stood and caught up for a while with promises of getting together over coffee or something. A few days went by and he called me. We did indeed go out. We had a blast and started dating. He told me after just a few dates that he was going to marry me. I laughed (I know, not nice). So that was in the the fall of 1999 and we got married August of 2000. I guess he was right.
Ok so now fast forward through 11 years. We've been through some pretty terrible shit. Financial troubles, infertility, miscarriages and the death of our first son (those blogs are all for another day), his fathers death and some other stuff. So anyway, I'm thinking we're doing alright. We don't argue, fight or even really bicker. I've always said "if my biggest complaint is that he doesn't throw away his soda cans, I'm ahead of the game."
Well, I was wrong. I had the opportunity to be back in contact with an ex-boyfriend (also from high school) through facebook (which I've decided is the devil). This guy was the "it" when we were dating. Our emotions were so large, so powerful that they scared me and I ran. We had a good relationship back in the day. Always fire, always passion. I was crazy about him and he was me. But like I said, the fire and passion were too much for my young brain to handle and I broke up with him. We went our separate ways but I thought of him often. I guess he did me as well. Anyway, we became in contact. At first it was harmless banter. Soon it turned to the remember when game. Then it snowballed into the what if game. You know the one, "what if we never split up", "what if we got together now", etc. It got intense quickly and I realized that there were a lot of areas in my marriage where I was not happy. A lot of areas that I was downright miserable. Of course realizing the unhappiness made me turn more and more towards the ex.
After a few weeks of talking the ex and I decided he was going to come into town for a visit. By this time I was crazy about him all over again. Crazy about the things he was promising me. Crazy about how he made me feel. He told me every single time we talked that I was beautiful (one of the things I never heard at home anymore). I was hooked. I wanted nothing but the ex... or so I thought.
So the ex comes to visit. I'm torn between my husband (who I truly believe doesn't care and it's over) and the ex (who is promising me the world). I meet up with the ex. One half of my head and heart are screaming NO NO NO you're married! The other half is saying YES! This is how things should be. I should be treated like a princess (which he did treat me like). So we meet up and I continue what was originally an affair of the online sort (you know, not real just a bunch of bs) and turn it into the real deal.
Every time we got together my head and heart were conflicted.
On the last night the ex was here we decided on dinner and the beach. We had dinner, spent some time on the beach and headed back to the hotel. He begged me to stay the night. I did. I made a lame excuse to my husband about not coming home. I stayed until about 4:30 AM then decided I had to go home.
As soon as I walked in I knew that the husband knew SOMETHING. I laid down and pretended to sleep. At 9AM that morning my world was rocked to the core. My husband asked me where I was last night. I broke down and told him. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. He screamed, yelled, kicked things, etc. It was more emotion than I'd seen in years. Holy shit, he really does care?
Oh my gosh, what did I just do?
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