Dark and Light

I have decided to ignore what people are saying about his posts on facebook (which I haven't read or seen and have no desire to) and just go about my life.  Some days that's an easy task, other days not so much.

I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of really good days.  My husband and I both have.  We spent a weekend out away from the kids at Gasparilla.  We had some pretty in depth talks.  We've been pretty darn good.  On the flip side, when I have a dark day it's really dark.

I've been fighting demons for the last few days that are just relentless.  I go from angry and aggressive to just lost in the blink of an eye.  I at times am resolute that all will be well and in the next second doubt everything.

I've spoken to others in our position on both sides of the coin.  I've come to the realization that there are two kinds of cheaters: the first kind are the ones who truly did just fuck up and get caught up in something.  A mistake.  The second kind, wow.  They are the ones who either cheat repeatedly with lots of people or have long time affairs and just don't care.  I've met and spoken to both.  Thank God I'm the first kind.

On that note I've got to say I'm a damn lucky woman.  I'm lucky I got caught.  Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds.  Let me explain.  I can't help but play the what if game.  I had every intention of telling my husband that Saturday but what if I didn't?  Would the other guy have gone back home?  Would we have stayed in contact and continued our online/texting relationship?  Would I have left my husband?  I know the what if game is NOT healthy but sometimes you can't help but think these things.

So yes, I'm lucky.  Not only was I caught, it was early enough that my husband and I are able to rebuild and fix our brokenness.  We are able to get beyond this.  We are able to LOVE EACH OTHER fully and unconditionally.

I'm not saying all is sweetness and light.  We both still have our dark days, our anger and well, bitterness.  We will however make it.  We will survive.