Dark and Light

I have decided to ignore what people are saying about his posts on facebook (which I haven't read or seen and have no desire to) and just go about my life.  Some days that's an easy task, other days not so much.

I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of really good days.  My husband and I both have.  We spent a weekend out away from the kids at Gasparilla.  We had some pretty in depth talks.  We've been pretty darn good.  On the flip side, when I have a dark day it's really dark.

I've been fighting demons for the last few days that are just relentless.  I go from angry and aggressive to just lost in the blink of an eye.  I at times am resolute that all will be well and in the next second doubt everything.

I've spoken to others in our position on both sides of the coin.  I've come to the realization that there are two kinds of cheaters: the first kind are the ones who truly did just fuck up and get caught up in something.  A mistake.  The second kind, wow.  They are the ones who either cheat repeatedly with lots of people or have long time affairs and just don't care.  I've met and spoken to both.  Thank God I'm the first kind.

On that note I've got to say I'm a damn lucky woman.  I'm lucky I got caught.  Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds.  Let me explain.  I can't help but play the what if game.  I had every intention of telling my husband that Saturday but what if I didn't?  Would the other guy have gone back home?  Would we have stayed in contact and continued our online/texting relationship?  Would I have left my husband?  I know the what if game is NOT healthy but sometimes you can't help but think these things.

So yes, I'm lucky.  Not only was I caught, it was early enough that my husband and I are able to rebuild and fix our brokenness.  We are able to get beyond this.  We are able to LOVE EACH OTHER fully and unconditionally.

I'm not saying all is sweetness and light.  We both still have our dark days, our anger and well, bitterness.  We will however make it.  We will survive.

Facebook is the devil!!!!

I said no direct contact right?  

While I did delete him on facebook we do have a few mutual friends.  I received word from a mutual friend that the other guy had been posting some songs, quotes, and such on facebook with little comments with them.  My response to that was, "OK?"  I was then told that these songs and quotes and such were directed to (or at) me.  OK well, whatever.  It's a free country, post whatever you want.  

Then I'm told of what the songs and such were.  Songs about obsessions, fighting for what you want, winning people back, and just generally doing whatever it takes to get the girl.  Hmmmph.  Now knowing what I know about the other guy, knowing he's a bit mentally unbalanced and has this criminal thing hanging around (oh, did I mention his crimes were violent in nature?) I gotta admit that I'm a bit freaked out and I ain't gonna lie, I'm just plain scared.

At this point I worry that the other guy is sitting there stewing and will do something ridiculous like showing up at my house or something.  I think this is most definitely the calm before the storm and the pressure is building.  I think it may just be a matter of time before the pressure gets to be too much and reaches critical mass.  If it does go that way, things are going to get very, very bad.

My husband is concerned that the other guy is going to bring out a side of him that is pretty ugly.  My husband has made it clear that he's not scared of the other guy and that if the other guy does contact me, the gloves are coming off.  I should probably interject here that my husband is one of the most mild mannered, non confrontational people I have ever met.  He's always been the calm water and I, the storm.  He's had a pretty tight lid on his temper and emotions through all of this but I fear he may very well be at his breaking point.

I think this whole mess will get worse before it gets better.  Buckle up kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride...

OK so it's been a few days since I sent the phone back.  I did get one text from the other guy just before I sent the phone back asking me if I was going to.  I didn't respond, deleted the text and dropped the phone in the mail.

A few days go by and my husband and I are still in constant contact.  Even at work we talk all the time.  One of the things we discussed was is this really over and there will be no more contact or is this the calm before the storm?  I should interject here that in the process of all of this I found out that the other guy has a criminal record...like a SERIOUS criminal record.  So I'm already on edge because of the affair and now this criminal stuff is rattling around in my brain as well.  What a mindfuck.

So anyway, I get a random text from the other guy asking me if I'm OK because he got picked up on a warrant and just bonded out.  Hmm, what does that have to do with me?  Ignore the text.  A few minutes later, another text comes in telling me like he said, he'd "always be there for me and my kids", a bunch of other stuff about how he wishes me the best.  Blah, blah, blah.  Once again I ignore it.

At the time the texts came in my husband wasn't home.  As soon as he got home I showed them to him and we discussed how we were going to handle it all.  I was all for the "ignore it and it will go away" method.  So for that night I ignored it.  The next morning I got another text that simply said good morning!  Damn dude, I never answered the other two what makes you think I'll answer this one?

I called my husband (who was then at work) and told him about the newest text.  Now I'm getting a little antsy and a lot freaked out.  Of course my husband is pretty ticked at this point.  I shouldn't say ticked, he's concerned.  I told him I'd keep him updated if I received anymore but maybe that will be all.  Throughout the day I got two more texts.  The last one I got was saying he was going to leave me alone...

When my husband got home we decided we were going to call the other guy (on speaker phone) and I would make it VERY CLEAR that I wanted nothing to do with the other guy.  My husbands rational to calling the other guy was that if for some reason the other guy thought my husband had my phone he was saying that he would leave me alone for my husband's benefit and that I secretly wanted to talk to him.  By the way, I'm really glad I have a man's perspective on this because I would have never thought that way.  My mindset was that if I ignored it it was because I wanted nothing to do with the other...

So anyway, we called him.  Before the other guy got a word out (other than hello) I told him I wanted to make it crystal clear that I wanted NO contact.  The other guy got really pretty huffy and said yes, he wouldn't contact me again.  I asked him to give me his word.  His response?  First it was, "don't make me out to be the bad guy here, I gave him (my husband) my word that I wouldn't contact you again.  Then, "fine, I give you my word, is that good enough for him?"  Um, OK so obviously he knew we were on speaker phone and my husband was listening.  Not to mention he had already given my husband his word and didn't follow through.  So I told him yea it was good enough and repeated no contact.  No texts, emails, phone calls, nothing.  We then hung up.

Boy was I glad we made that phone call.  It was a little bit of closure and my husband and I were a united front.

My husband and I sat and discussed for a while what we would do if the contact continued.  None of the suggestions were good ones.  I hope for the other guys sake he holds up his end of the bargain.

So here it has been about a week since that call.  It's been quiet and no direct contact...

And the drama continues

So like I said, a week or so went by.  My husband and I spent all the time we could together, relearning each other, falling in love all over again.  Then I get a text from the other guy asking where his phone was.

Let me backtrack a little.  The other guy gave me a phone.  When we went our separate ways I said I'd send it back.  It wasn't huge priority so I was slow in sending it.  It sat on my counter for at least a week.  My husband and I would say almost on a daily basis, "dang we need to send that out" then we'd forget about it.

Not too long after my husband and I decided we'd send the phone back I notice there is a long drawn out text basically telling me to eff off and the other guy was done, wished me the best and wouldn't contact me again.  YES!!!!  I'M FREE... or am I?

So anyway, some time goes by and I get repeated blocked and restricted phone calls to both my home and cell.  I ignored them at first (figuring they were the other guy) until I was left a voice mail.  The voice mail was indeed from the other guy, left on my cell phone asking myself or my husband to call him... What the hell is this?

Curiousity got the best of me and I called him back.  It was all the same lines that made me take this wild tumble to begin with.  All the "you're so beautiful, I love you" crapola that I fell for the first time.  I made it clear that I was done.  I was walking away.  I wanted NO contact.  I told him that his phone would be in the mail the asap.

After the conversation with the other I called my husband.  I told him of the phone call.  Needless to say he was upset.  More so upset that the other guy went back on his word and contacted me.  When my husband got home, he called the other guy and they had words.  The other guy turned it around like I wanted this contact...  BULLSHIT.  I want to be left alone.

So I send the phone out thinking I was done...

Forgiveness... kind of

My husband stormed out of the house shortly thereafter and left for a little while.  When he got back he informed me that he had called our Pastor and told him what was going on.  Ironically, I was on the verge of calling our Pastor as well...  Anyway, our Pastor told my husband not to make any life changing decisions for at least a week because he was too raw to think clearly.

I just knew regardless of what the Pastor said our marriage was over.  I knew I destroyed my husband.  I just knew he would never look at me as his wife again.  I was prepared for the worst.  I tried to see my life without him, having to share our kids, moving half way across the country... I couldn't.  I don't know if it was the fog in my head, lack of sleep, stress and pain or what but I couldn't see my future.  My thoughts turned ugly dark.  I'm not going to say I contemplated suicide because I didn't, that's not me.  I did think about things like just disappearing into the night.  I though even if he did forgive me I wasn't worthy and it would be best for everyone if I was gone.  I just knew my life was over.

So anyway, when my husband returned we talked... a lot.  We discovered things about each other that we either did not know or forgot.  We talked into the night that night.  The next morning we got up and went to church.  Now usually at church we don't see each other but for a few minutes as he's in the band and I'm a Sunday school teacher.  In light of things, we excused ourselves from our duties.  We sat in service together and the subject was on dreaming big.  I know it doesn't sound like a relevant subject but my God was it ever.  After struggling through half of the service in tears (for both myself and my husband), I reached over and put my hand on his arm.  He grabbed my hand and held it tight... all the while both of us near hysterics.

As soon as service was over he pulled me to the side.  I thought oh no, here's the end.  He's made a decision to leave.  Instead he held me tight and told me he forgave me.  We both broke down.  I can't tell you what else was said, who else was around, or anything else for that matter.  I knew, in that moment, in his strong embrace, that we would be OK.  We WOULD make it through.  We WILL NOT be a statistic.  We then broke our embrace, said our goodbyes to the Pastor and congregants still around and went home.

After getting home we talked and talked and talked some more.  (We have been doing a lot of that lately.  Every day we find time to TALK.  Not just the usual "how was your day" and "what do you want for dinner", but honest talking.)  He asked me questions, I answered.  I asked him questions, he answered.  We made a "pact" to work through all the emotions together.  It's been working.  We've become quite close...when we're together.

I know that sounds odd.  We're close when were together...duh?  When we are together the ugliness doesn't creep in.  For him it the mistrust, the feeling of betrayal and such that don't clutter his mind.  For me the self loathing, mental self abuse and sadness isn't there.  As soon as he goes to work or we have things to do away from each other it all comes back.  Some days it's so oppressive that I can't think straight.  

Here I was a week or so later feeling a little smug that things were working out, we were making progress.  Moving forward and not looking back I thought.  You know those days you have that you are cruising along and all is well then SLAM something knocks you on your ass... yea, we ran into one of those.

So I played with fire and got burned...

If any of you read my profile you'd see that I said I've been married 11 years.  My husband and I have known each other since high school.  In fact, we were good friends and ran in the same circles.  I guess he had a huge crush on me back then but I knew nothing about it.  So anyway, fast forward to after high school... I hadn't seen my now husband in years and ran into him in a pool hall.  We of course stood and caught up for a while with promises of getting together over coffee or something.  A few days went by and he called me.  We did indeed go out.  We had a blast and started dating.  He told me after just a few dates that he was going to marry me.  I laughed (I know, not nice).  So that was in the the fall of 1999 and we got married August of 2000.  I guess he was right.

Ok so now fast forward through 11 years.  We've been through some pretty terrible shit.  Financial troubles, infertility, miscarriages and the death of our first son (those blogs are all for another day), his fathers death and some other stuff.  So anyway, I'm thinking we're doing alright.  We don't argue, fight or even really bicker.  I've always said "if my biggest complaint is that he doesn't throw away his soda cans, I'm ahead of the game."

Well, I was wrong.  I had the opportunity to be back in contact with an ex-boyfriend (also from high school) through facebook (which I've decided is the devil).  This guy was the "it" when we were dating.  Our emotions were so large, so powerful that they scared me and I ran.  We had a good relationship back in the day.  Always fire, always passion.  I was crazy about him and he was me.  But like I said, the fire and passion were too much for my young brain to handle and I broke up with him.  We went our separate ways but I thought of him often.  I guess he did me as well.  Anyway, we became in contact.  At first it was harmless banter.  Soon it turned to the remember when game.  Then it snowballed into the what if game.  You know the one, "what if we never split up", "what if we got together now", etc.  It got intense quickly and I realized that there were a lot of areas in my marriage where I was not happy.  A lot of areas that I was downright miserable.  Of course realizing the unhappiness made me turn more and more towards the ex.

After a few weeks of talking the ex and I decided he was going to come into town for a visit.  By this time I was crazy about him all over again.  Crazy about the things he was promising me.  Crazy about how he made me feel.  He told me every single time we talked that I was beautiful (one of the things I never heard at home anymore).  I was hooked.  I wanted nothing but the ex... or so I thought.

So the ex comes to visit.  I'm torn between my husband (who I truly believe doesn't care and it's over) and the ex (who is promising me the world).  I meet up with the ex.  One half of my head and heart are screaming NO NO NO you're married!  The other half is saying YES!  This is how things should be.  I should be treated like a princess (which he did treat me like).  So we meet up and I continue what was originally an affair of the online sort (you know, not real just a bunch of bs) and turn it into the real deal.  

Every time we got together my head and heart were conflicted.  

On the last night the ex was here we decided on dinner and the beach.  We had dinner, spent some time on the beach and headed back to the hotel.  He begged me to stay the night.  I did.  I made a lame excuse to my husband about not coming home.  I stayed until about 4:30 AM then decided I had to go home.

As soon as I walked in I knew that the husband knew SOMETHING.  I laid down and pretended to sleep. At 9AM that morning my world was rocked to the core.  My husband asked me where I was last night.  I broke down and told him.  ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.  He screamed, yelled, kicked things, etc.  It was more emotion than I'd seen in years.  Holy shit, he really does care?  

Oh my gosh, what did I just do?